I have a relationship with my pants. I believed that every woman has a deep intimate relationship with her clothing. I’m not talking just about an ‘undie wedgies’ but a deep love hate relationship with her clothing. Especially her pants. We have a need to wear ‘favorite jeans’ or the ‘soft cozy top’, however, we are also in need of that outfit that we know makes our eyes pop, waste look tiny, and feels still like pajamas. However, this is not what actually happens every day. Most days we stare at the wardrobe and wonder what to wear. We end up grabbing the first thing we see and put it on. That is when we remember its itchy, tight in spots, loose in spots, ripped, and even made in 1972.
When the ‘JamaJeans’ were invented I seriously thought they should be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Everyone wants to wear them, but nobody wants to admit they make your butt look like an over inflated whale pool toy. As much as I wish the world culture would find sweatpants and hoodies the latest fashion statement, I fear I will still need to go shopping.
Sometimes my pants do not behave as I would like. For instance, my shorts do not stay in place when I exercise, but rather begin a slow steady ‘creep and tuck’ north as my inner thighs man-handle them upward. I end up with my thighs showing and a strange ‘V’ shape to my shorts. Not a camel toe, but more of a reverse muffin top. Needless to say, it is not very attractive. Many woman have gone to wearing tight yoga pants as a cure to this fitness dilemma. I have one word for this…. Don’t. I mean, I do, but I probably shouldn’t. I love how they feel, butt, as it turns out, they do have a stretch limit and they can become unpleasantly ‘see through’. You have been warned.
All women really need a clothing buddy, a friend that will honestly tell you how you look. I must warn you, this job must be interviewed. Many woman will not risk friendship and will lie when you walk out of a dressing room wearing a short pink leather skirt and off the shoulder 80’s sweatshirt and tell you “Oh, you look so cute and retro”. You need the friend who is will to tell you, “Oh my, bless your heart sweetie, you look like a time hopping hooker”. Interview and choose this friend wisely. You want to look your personality as well as keep your day job.
Speaking of life squeezing articles of clothing, the sports bra must be addressed. Although this fine piece of clothing does help keep things in their proper place during exercise, it is not without creating a look of playdough squeezing though your fingers. Doesn’t matter if you are super skinny or have a few extra curves, these bras love to squeeze every bit out like a tube of toothpaste. That’s ok, I didn’t need to breathe while jogging anyway.
Jeans are the holy grail of all wardrobe items. They can become your best and most honest friend. Jeans tuck and hold us in, match every top, and then turn around and smack us in the bum when we gain a few kilo. Then, as short girls, we end up with jeans that fit in the bum, have oversized waistlines, and have an ankle breaking length, all at the cost of $100 a pair. Goodie. After a month of wearing them we end up walking on the ends to the point we might as well just make ourselves a nice pair of daisy dukes.
Then, there are the little black dresses. Why do we have little black dresses? Because everyone knows, a little black dress hides …. Everything. At the end of her life a woman will have a closet full of black dresses. Not in morning of a life well lived, but as a sign of need ‘something to wear’ to everything from graduations to weddings and baby showers to doing laundry. We have all learned that the way to feel professional and beautiful is in black. I say…. Let us make COLOUR be the new black! True, a yellow and purple floral dress will make your hips look like two pigs fighting under a blanket, but at least you will wear the bright colours of your beautiful personality!
Moral of the story….Wear what you want to wear! Life it too short for saving the good underwear and cashmere sweaters. Wear what makes you feel terrific and beautiful. Wear what you know fits your personality. Don’t let those around you decide what is fashionable or not. Please continue to keep your bits covered, but do so in your own way. Have a love relationship with your pants!