I fell in the Toilet….Again


I started pulling the laces tighter on my roller skates. What on Earth was I doing? I am not a 7th grade girl, yet I have found myself at a roller rink on a Saturday for a Birthday party. I couldn’t stop giggling and shaking out of fear. I knew I was going to fall today, how bad was yet to be determined. 

Now that I had my brown lace up 1970’s roller skates on, I was ready to hit the rink. First, I just needed to stand up. Who in their right mind would invent foot wheels? Seriously! I did not want ANOTHER concussion so decided to stay a bit squat in my roller stance. What I ‘thought’ I looked like was a graceful skater in a sequin dress in the Olympics; what I actually looked like I baby dear trying to stand up and poop at the same time. I walked my way across the carpet to the rink. Stepped foot on the linoleum tiles. Gripped the sticky safety bars on the walls for dear life… and pushed off. I was doing ok. Slow but ok. I looked a small child of 7 in the eyes, it was his first-time skating, his fear eased to a smirkly smile when he saw me, he had better skills with this PVC pipe walker and mommy assistant.

I skated. My body did remember how to basically do the skill. Kinda. I felt young, was having fun, and couldn’t stop smiling or giggling.

My first fall took place about five minutes after I had gotten the hang of things. I had just remembered how to turn and was maneuvering my body to the right. A beam of light from the disco ball caught my eye and WOOOOOP BAAAMMMM. It was in that exact moment that I remembered my age. I remembered “Gee Jennie, you are not actually in 7th grade, you are a 43-year-old woman”. BAMMMM! ….ouch.

A new friend did the most amazing thing for his 33rd Birthday. He hired out a roller rink for a skate party reminiscent of middle school; cake, presents, popcorn, soda, and a disco ball were all present. It was a time warp back to 1997 for me. Even the music was the same as I rolled to “Thriller” by Michael Jackson. I was having a blast. A bit a skating. A bit of talking with people. What a hoot. This was one of the best ideas I have ever heard of for an adult party! Defiantly one of my favorite parties ever! It was all going well when I realized I drank a bit too much soda and needed to tinkle. 

A friend had already warned me that rolling my way to the potty was impossible. But I couldn’t wait, I didn’t want to miss the cake! I half walked/ rolled my way down the corridor to the ladies room. The tiny stalls were built narrow for 7th grade girls. Had I gotten taller or were these toilets shorter? To add a bit of adventure, the bathroom floors were covered in, what I could only assume, was toilet water. I rolled into the empty stall. Immediately I realized there was no room to turn around and close the door at the same time. I would need to skate straddle the toilet, reach back to lock the door, then reverse skate back, turn around, and sit. Solid plan. 

I rolled myself forward. I was now straddling the toilet backwards facing the wall. I steadied myself into a bit of a squat. I slowly reached back for the door. Pulled it closed and locked it. This was easy! I gained a bit of confidence. My mistake was the confidence. I felt my skates beginning to slide outwards on the wet tiles. My feet turned and added to this outward movement. My body was going to do the splits? Right here? Straddling the toilet? At a roller rink! I tried to pull my legs together but this only sent my skates back and my body forward. I was beginning to fall forward! I was falling fast and needed to brace myself for impact. What could I grab for assistance?! It was either my head on the porcelain box or my hand on the toilet seat. I threw my hands forward. My right hand make contact with the seat, but my left slipped in some toilet spray. SPLASH. In my hand went in…full toilet water. My feet rolled out from under me and under the stall door. My hands were in and on the toilet. It looked like some crazy cross fit exercise gone very wrong. And… I still needed to pee.  

Eventually, I righted myself, tinkled, and washed my hands until red raw. It was one of the funniest things I have ever gotten myself into. I didn’t tell anyone that day. No one really wants to know someone fell in the toilet. Plus… I still wanted to eat cake!
Tres dias desp de la fiesta de patinaje tengo seis moretón! Vall la pena para sentirsu joven!!

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