The weather starts to cool and instinctively we all want to curl up on the couch with a good book and comfort food. Today, I look out my window at the changing colors of foliage, and am reminded that, like the seasons, our lives all cycle reflection and renewal. It is a beautiful time of year. I can remember coming home from school on cold days; my momma had been cooking her famous chili all day for me to come home to. It was absolutely delightful. I have taken her unforgettable recipe and made a few twists to make it my own. The following is myrecipe that I have decided to share with you, so you can share with your family and friends. May you be as blessed by this recipe as I have been. Today I share this recipe with a small dinner party with dear friends who have really made an positiveimpact on my life.
Gather These Lovely Fresh Ingredients:
• Onions (two heirloom varieties)
• Tomatoes (I like to gather my produce from the fresh artisan markets)
• Ground Beef (Fresh, organic, locally sourced, GMO free, hormone free, vegan)
• Kidney Beans
• Pinto Beans
• Black Beans (you are going to fart a lot)
• Jalapenos (for those who want a zing when you fart)
• Chili Powder
• Garlic Powder
1. You will need to start with a large frying pan. I will be using a 1-liter high rim pan. This is perfect for browning the meat. I think you will find that a good pan will make all the difference in your cooking.
2. Dice your onions. You will need about a cup. (I always plan on about two or more cups because I cry so much I usually spill the first cup on the floor.)
3. Oopsy Daisey. Yep, you spilled. No worries. Sweep up the floor from the cup of dropped onions.
4. Dice your tomatoes. (I do notice that fresh organic tomatoes from the markets are a bit soft within a day or two; so, it was very difficult cutting them. After much effort and tomato squirt all over my shirt, floor, and curtains. I decided to use a can of diced tomatoes. Jaxxon and his organic hipster beard will never know the difference.)
5. Using my organic bamboo garlic press, from the latest multi-level-marketing scheme, I crush 5 cloves of garlic. (My dearest friend Apple sold me the press at her latest house party. Honestly, I only go to her lame parties for the free wine and snacks; then only buy the cheapest thing at the party.)
6. Pour yourself a glass of wine. (I find that a nice chilled boxed wine goes nice while cooking a chili.)
7. Begin to sauté your onions and garlic. They should come out to a golden caramelization. The aroma will be heaven in your kitchen. (I prefer the non-stick pan but I don’t get to use it because I was told by Jessika that she is allergic to the iron/Teflon chemical bonds, so I can’t use it. Thanks Jessika.)
8. Add in your ground beef and begin to brown. (Shall we be honest. I don’t buy the organic, GMO, grass-fed, Vegan beef. I am poor. I got the cheap tubes of beef from the Walmart. Nobody buys it Woodson, go back to drinking your Pabst, and quit being so offended!)
9. I like to add spices while browning my meat. Take your chili powder out of the cupboard. Oops you spilled it. Just blow away the…. AAAAHHHHHHHHHH. Always remember to close our eyes when you blow on chili powder to dust it away!
10. Take a shower to calm your burning eyes. Run out of shower when the fire alarm goes off!
11. OH DEAR, the beef! My pan is on fire! Always remember to turn of the stove when you stop cooking.
12. Throw away the stupid cheap sticky pan and the burnt meat. Wipe your tears. (Pull yourself together, it’s only a dinner party.)
13. Run to the store and purchase more beef tubes.
14. Use the pan you wanted in the first place. (Jessika doesn’t know that there are no chemical compounds that are produced from the bonding iron and Teflon. Take a damn science class Jessika!)
15. Pour another glass of wine for yourself.
16. Re-cut onions and crush garlic. (Crush that garlic like you want to crush the souls of your enemies.)
17. Brown the meat. Adding spices such as chili powder, garlic powder, cumin, and even the secret ingredient, cinnamon.
18. Ugh, forgot to add the onions are garlic. Well, just throw those in as well.
19. Time for another glass of wine. (Wipe your tears, these are your best friends, you need them to ‘insta’ and ‘like’ your recipe.)
20. In your crockpot, add the beans. (Yes Lezley, I forgot to soak the fresh beans overnight, I know you are canned food free, but I don’t care anymore.)
21. Go to the store and purchase canned beans from the discount can section. (I spent so much money on craft store decorative foliage, that I have no money for food.)
22. Realize you forgot to turn off the stove, again, on your way down the sidewalk. (You cannot drive at this point, too much wine.) Go back in the house to turn off the stove. Thank the grocery store for giving you tissue to wipe your tears. Continue.
23. Add canned beans to the crock pot.
24. Finish cooking the stupid dry flavorless beef.
25. Pour yourself another glass of wine. Careful not to… spill it. Damn.
26. Mop the floor from spilled wine, chili powder, onions, garlic souls, and ground beef blood.
27. Add beef to beans.
28. Add in your diced tomatoes and whole jalapenos. (yes whole jalapenos, I don’t care anymore.)
29. Add in another round of spices to spice the entire pot. (It should now look like chili. If it doesn’t drink another glass of wine until it does.)
30. I like to put the crock inner pot into the refrigerator for 24 hours to allow the flavors to blend.
31. The morning of your dinner party, take out the crock pot liner pot and place it in the…
32. OHH FOR THE LOVE OF……
33. Mop up an entire pot of chili from the kitchen floor.
34. Take a shower to clean off the chili and muffle the sounds of sobs.
35. Go to the store and buy canned chili that looks like dog food.
36. Heat in microwave. It will smell terrible, like actual dog food.
37. Serve with cheese, avocado toast, and a smile.
I hope you will enjoy this special recipe as much as my entire family has for many years. Don’t forget to pin this recipe and Insta your favorite pics! #amazingfood #blessed#organiclocallysourced #crushthesoulsofyourenemies #foliageisactuallydeadleaves #celebratingthedeathofleaves #imtoooldtobeamillennial #mycollegeloansoffendyou#keepitfresh #DoublehoppedIPA #Lit